OTP: Chapter 1. Part 9.

DJ hadn’t heard from Payne in over a day.  While they had been spending lots of time together and had sex several times, there was no hint of a true stated commitment in sight.  DJ was starting to question the status of his relationship with Payne.  Today was Christmas and he hadn’t heard from Payne at all.

DJ travelled back to his hometown recounting so many different situations between he and Payne.  He was trying to make sense of everything throughout the Christmas break.  He knew he wanted Payne but wasn’t certain what Payne wanted.  In that moment, DJ resolved to simply respond to Payne and not contact him.  It was the only type of power he could reasonably assert in that situation.  DJ wanted more but Payne seemed to be hedging his bets.

Christmas just wasn’t the same anymore.  All his cousins his age had moved on with their lives, as did he.  There was no one for him to spend time with.  He remembered his mom said she would spend time with her friend.  Their two families had grown up together so he thought he would see them there.  So, he made his way to his old football coach’s home.  His football coach happened to be the brother of his mother’s best friends.  

As he arrived he noticed his clothing.  His mother was a stickler for appearance.  DJ was wearing jeans, loafers and a polo shirt.  The shirt was fitted - extra fitted.  It wasn’t a look his mom liked that much.  So, he picked up a jacket he got from a friend.  It was a flannel red and black jacket that looked more like a shirt.  To DJ, he looked a mess but it was better than the fitted shirt he was wearing; he knew that would send his mother to another place.

As DJ walked up to the house, he could hear these adults engaged in adult conversations.  What they were saying wasn’t a surprise to him.  However, to hear the people he looked up to having adult conversations about sex, flirting with each other and promising to cheat on their wives and husbands or times when they had, it was a bit too disconcerting for him.  

Then he saw his mother.  She had a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other.  DJ saw his mother flirting with his old football coach.  Not two seconds later he learned from other people there that his father, DJ’s father, stole his mother from his football coach.  The two of them were dating when his dad came along.  His mom was now flirting with the man that could have been his father.  That was a troubling topic for DJ.  He had never known or even met his father.  His father died before he was born and his mother refused to share any information about his father.

Still, DJ took the whole scene in and never reacted.  He was standing in the kitchen.  The house looked like a throwback from the 1980s.  The walls to this brick house were lined with wood paneling.  The cabinets had brass knobs and the furniture in the living room looked like they had seen better decades. He could tell there hadn’t been much work put into the house.  It also had an odor that matched what he remembered his coach smelled like.  It smelled like a man who forgot to put on deodorant and didn’t wash.  It was a mixture of musk and body oils.

He asked for a beer and the women there responded by looking at his mom.  She gave a look like she didn’t care as she walked into the living room.  It was in that moment that DJ realized he was drinking alcohol in his mom’s presence; it was something he had never done before.  

He drank his beer and talked to a few people.  They were truly interested in his life since he left his hometown to go to college.  Most of the people there had gone to college so they were more interested in how many women he had or if he had any kids coming.  DJ took that as a compliment.  In their own way, they were acknowledging how attractive he was.  It was something he had grown accustomed to in the years since he had gone to college.

But, this was also a troubling topic for him.  Sure, DJ was gay.  He knew he was gay.  They didn’t know he was gay.  But, there was no way they should have expected him to have kids coming. That was unthinkable to him.  He usually answered questions and prodding like this with vague and coy responses followed with a grin and this situation was no different.  DJ laughed it all off.  

He asked for another beer just as his mom’s cousin walked through the door.  It had been nearly five years since she had been home so people hugged her and exchanged pleasantries.  DJ was surprised to see her as well.  Someone handed her two beers, one for her and one for DJ.  Trina handed him the beer and started a conversation.  

The last time DJ saw Trina was when he, his mom and sister all lived in Dallas.  He was in the sixth grade at the time so that was nine years ago.  The four of them all lived there together for some time.

“I like your look.  You look good,” said Trina.  She made these comments as she scanned the room.  They were still standing in the kitchen at the time but additional people were in the living room and another room down the hall.

DJ was shocked by that statement.  He was wearing a flannel jacket.  How could anyone “look good” in a flannel jacket?  He had to wonder whether she was teasing him.  

“When you were younger and we lived in Dallas, I used to think you were gay.  You used to annoy me to no end.  I’m glad you’re not gay.  I can tell you’re straight.  You’re drinking beer, your voice is deeper, your stance is strong and looking manly.  But boy you are so handsome,” she added.

Trina’s admission was long enough to hide DJ’s shock and fury.  However, he wondered, “How the hell you knew I was gay when I didn’t know until recently?”

As Trina spoke, DJ kept a measured look on his face.  He wasn’t smiling nor was he scowling either.  Instead he looked at her intently like she was saying something that was a statement of fact.  Indeed, all these things were true.  

However, they weren’t his truth.  DJ reminded himself, “I am gay.  I hate beer.  I’m only drinking beer because I noticed all the men in the house drinking it so I followed along.  I’m wearing the flannel to hide this tight polo.  Damn!  I’m still hiding.  I’m not mad at her.  I’m mad at myself for hiding who I really am.  But I’m not ready to come out yet.”

“It’s cool.  Have you seen my mom?  When was the last time you two talked,” asked DJ?  

DJ had mastered deflection years ago.  Trina fully took the bait.  DJ knew full well his mom had problems with Trina but she never voiced those concerns around him.  She was very careful not to comment negatively around him.  But he could always hear her when she thought he was preoccupied.  Right now, he needed his mom’s hatred to come to his defence.  

Trina took the bait and looked harder into the crowd.  DJ pointed to his mother, whose back was to both of them.  Trina walked over in her direction.  As she did, others saw her and began to announce her presence.  In that moment, DJ’s mom turned and saw Trina.  Her look was one of rage.  She sipped more beer to correct herself.  

DJ knew his mom was calming herself down.  Pretty soon, the entire room would understand his mom would have a problem with Trina and someone would be suggesting she leave.  But DJ had seen his mom go toe to toe with men before and knew Trina was no match for his mom.  Right now, she was calm.  She had been drinking and too many people were around.  As a rule, people on his mom’s side of the family showed great restraint, especially when they are in public.  His mom would not disappoint this standard.  It was a trait DJ also had in spades.  

DJ could feel his phone buzzing.  As he pulled it out of his pocket he saw the initials PS, it was Payne calling.  He could not suppress the urge to smile.  By this point, everyone was noticing the disdain on his mom’s face and didn’t notice DJ slipping outside to answer the call.

It had gotten cooler just that fast.  In this moment, DJ was glad he had his flannel jacket.

“How’s my Donnie,” asked Payne?

DJ could be goofy at times and this was one of those moments.  DJ could not respond because he was smiling and couldn’t will himself to stop and respond.

“Hello. Hello.”  Payne could hear background noise but couldn’t hear DJ.

Finally, DJ willed himself into responding by saying, “I’m here.  I just had to walk outside.  I was in a room full of people.  How’s your family?”

“Everyone is fine.  I’ve just been thinking about you all day.  I wish we didn’t live on opposite sides of the state.”  Payne was from an area outside of Destin, Florida, which was hours away from DJ.  It wasn’t realistic for either of them to be in the moment and see each other.  However, this is exactly what DJ wanted to do in that moment.

“I’m glad you and your family are doing well, Payne.”

“How’s your sister?  And how is your mom?”

“My sister is fine.  I haven’t seen her most of the day though.  But my mom is okay.  She’s being who she is.”

The two had talked about each other’s family.  Though they had never met each other’s family they knew a lot about them through the eyes of each other.  They shared the good and the bad but always the love.  Their relationships with their families were complex but that was normal.  They supported each other the best they could to the point where they pushed each other to do tough things, which only made their relationships with their families stronger.

After they talked about each other’s family, Payne brought up the Informational he wanted DJ to attend.  It felt like they were in some sort of partnership.  It felt good.  But DJ couldn’t help but wonder what Payne would get from him in return.

*******

At the end of the Christmas break, DJ woke up and sent Aaron and Hakeem a text to confirm their time to leave for Tallahassee.  The three had been friends since DJ’s junior year in high school.  They all went to the same church and in high school it was both Aaron and Hakeem who motivated DJ to work harder academically.  Just being friends with them motivated him, it was nothing they had done specifically.  Ironically, by the time they all got to college, it was DJ who was the strongest of the trio, academically.  Aaron was a year ahead of both of them.

While they drove, they discussed many things, but the one thing that was most on their minds was why DJ had been ghost all the time, recently.  Cornered, DJ could only respond by asking, “What do you mean?”

Aaron was the bold one of the duo.  “Don’t even bother lying.  Your roommate, Eugene, confirmed you don’t spend too many nights in the dorm room.”

Without skipping a beat, DJ added, “I don’t but I don’t understand why that is so much of a concern for you.  I never ask where any of you are or what you are doing.  To be honest, I treat you like the adults you are.  If there are parts of your life that isn’t my business then I don’t make it my business.”

Hakeem had a quiet way about him but when he spoke it was at times very absolute.  Somehow, something DJ said struck a chord with Hakeem.

“You’re right.  It’s none of our business,” added Hakeem.

Aaron looked like the wind had been sucked out of his sails.  He wasn’t too pleased with how the conversation had suddenly turned.  He was going to push this farther.

“I don’t understand.  We tell you everything.”

“Actually, no you don’t.  It is true that I’m in the room when you tell your business, but if I’m not in the room I don’t learn anything.  None of you go out of your way to tell me anything about your lives.  It just so happens that I’ve never told anyone my business or that of my family unless I thought of them as family.  Hell, if I happen to be in my room when we normally go to dinner you will call the girls, Marcus, Owen but not me.  I am continuously excluded.  If it weren’t for the girls then I wouldn’t even be a thought for any of you.”

“But I think of you as family.”

This truly pissed DJ off.  Nevermind the intrusion into his personal business, DJ firmly believed Aaron to be lying.  DJ never felt like he was truly part of the group.  He always felt closer to the girls.  Maybe that was because as he was becoming more and more of who he was as a person and so he pulled away from the fellas.  

Nevertheless, there was never any proof the guys were close to him.  In fact, there were times DJ was told to his face that he wasn’t wanted or needed around.  It was because of the girls that he was often invited.  DJ had enough self-respect for himself and inner strength that he never really let that affect him on a deeper level.  His life was changing and he saw alternatives even before they rejected him.  

In fact, DJ found it all rather ironic that they would even care that he was “missing”.  He felt that if anyone would have been upset it would have been Chelsea and by extension Danielle, Evette, B’onca and Rihanni.  He would often spend time with them when the fellas were nowhere to be found.  

So, when Aaron felt he was in the space to call DJ “family”, DJ blew up.  

“You ain't my fucking family.  You weren’t my family when y’all made trips back home and left me on campus all those times without telling me.  Yall weren’t my family when I told y’all I wanted to run for a position in SGA my sophomore year and you, Aaron, actively tried to talk me out of it.  Family, at least my definition of family, doesn’t try to hold you back.  Family supports and motivates.  When the fuck have you ever done any of those things for me?  I just met Chelsea and she does more for me than any of you do collectively.  So what?  What?  Tell me.”

The power, passion and hurt in DJ’s voice was thick.  It rang in his car.  It could not be denied.  It was also the first time they saw themselves in DJ’s eyes.  They were embarrassed.  They, both Aaron and Hakeem, truly did see DJ as part of their family and yet they could not deny his claims.  It was clear they had taken DJ for granted.

The rest of the ride to Dawn was quiet.  

When they arrived, DJ was tired from the drive because he drove the entire distance without Aaron or Hakeem’s help.  He planned to simply hang out in his room and just study for a class.  

Then, DJ got a text from Payne telling him to dress in a suit and tie and arrive at the frat house at exactly 6 p.m.  DJ did as instructed without responding to the text.

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